Car Drama 😞

You think you brought us up properly as mature individuals because we never brought home any problems, especially about incidents of fighting with other people or ruining your reputation as strict teachers and parents while growing up. You think we grew up normally because we were never brought to the Principal’s office for being involved in some cat fight as elementary kids, no policeman has ever knocked on our door for accidentally causing injury to some people during high school, or no teacher has ever labeled us as a problem child. But here’s what you don’t know about your almost ‘perfect’ progenies.

Your oldest daughter may seem stable but you have no idea how she is in the verge of breaking down from all the pressure she have at work and where she should be at this point of her life. She doesn’t show weakness because you taught her that strength is what is expected from her because she is the oldest. She shows aggression when challenged because it is now the only way she knows how to survive. Because she was taught that the only way she can win anything is if she can appear to be the more formidable opponent.

Your only boy. The only one who can pass down your name. You’ve put enough pressure on him to be the “face” of the family that he was never able to develop the ability to make decisions. Every move he made while growing up was always questionned, every attempt to gain back his freedom was struck down just because he was kid enough to try and challenge the limits at 10 years old. Most does it at 7. Now, look at him. He has grown up insecure and easily discouraged. He’s scared of trying because he thinks that he is already a failure in your eyes.

Lastly, your youngest and second daughter. I can’t even begin to explain what’s wrong with her. You’ve complimented her too much that she had an unrealistic and grandoise view or herself as a child. When it was struck down, she was left groping for what was left of her false self-concept. She didn’t want to go beyond her comfort zone because she didn’t have enough courage to fulfill her full potential. She’s insecure, selfish, and confused. She does not have any specific dream, but the worst thing about it is she doesn’t have anyone to talk about all these things to because she was taught from the very beginning to keep it in.

I’m not blaming you for the way our lives turned out to be. I’m just trying to tell you that these habits and acquired personalities will not be easily broken. We are not strong and we certainly are not perfect. We’re only trying to make it roght for the one who still has a chance. But despite that, life would’ve been so much easier if you just listen. You taught us never to question authority, but we would’ve been more courageous with unfamiliar experiences if we did. Now that we are starting to find our voice, it would’ve been nice if someone is interested enough to listen and of course, you would’ve been the first one we expect to. But you never really did. Perhaps because you also never learned how to.

Advertisements

The Rotten System

I don’t understand how people can muster the guts to ruin other people’s lives. Yes, we are all born selfish. Yes, we live in world where we are taught to put ourselves first instead of others. But where do we draw the line?

We all have flaws. If you tell me that not once in your life did you ever did something you regret, I’d tell you to go to hell because fuck you for lying.

How many people should we hurt, how many families should we take apart, how many lives should we break before we can say that we’ve had our fill.

I am not so much into politics because just thinking about it gives me a headache but this is going way too far. You’ve brought the whole town to ruins, what more can you ask for? Don’t give me your political bullshit because I’ve grown up with them and trust me, I know every side of the story. Your ways and intentions are dirtier than the septic tank behind your house that you built with the people’s money. 

If people did something wrong, find evidence in the most legal and proper way because you have the responsibility to set an example to the people you are governing. I know they are not the most innocent, but they do not deserve all those hurtful sadistic words from people who have easily forgotten who helped them in times of trouble. I was not surprised to find out that you have stoop so low as to frame other people for the things you clearly did, but I’m disappointed just as well.

Fuck you for doing this to my family. Fuck you for ruining a reputation that took a lifetime to build. And fuck you for destroying a young boy’s chance to a normal life just because you can’t let go of the seat you have dirtied aeons ago.

Monthly Hormonal Rants

Dear Life,

What is wrong with you? Do you really have nothing better to do than cook up problems and challenges for everyone? Are you enjoying watching people suffer and hate the world because you are so cruel to create stories of despair out of their lives just because you think it’d be a bestseller? I know you’d never take up the responsibility of giving shits after shits to a person until he or she can’t take anymore. You’d have that excuse that you’re simply giving them the freedom to choose, and unfortunately, they chose the wrong option. So it’s their fault if their life is shitty and hopeless. Everyone said you’re beautiful and perhaps that made you kinda vain. You always want to be a topic of everyone’s conversations and you even cook up some trashy story about how people should look for their purpose when you gave them the gift of existence. I know optimistic and radical people would think that I’m just whining. Well, maybe I am. But so what? I just want you to know that this, this story you’ve written about the world so far? Too tragic to even be considered for publishing, I’m telling you. How can you watch every one of your people die every day just because some people are led to believe that the purpose of the gift you’ve given them is to spread terror to the world? How fucked up is your twist? I know antagonists are important in a story but your antagonists are people too and do you really want them to continue believing that they are simply doing your bidding and that it’s normal? How many of them do you think have sleepless nights thinking about all those people they killed? How twisted did you make their minds to become for them to be able to look at a person in the eye while they pulled the trigger?

To the One who’s braver than me

Was it worth it? 

Did you hear the wails of despair from your family and friends when you were being rolled six meters underground?

Was their pain all worth it?

Did you get the peace you were looking for?

Are you finally where you always wanted to be?

If so, how did you muster up the courage to do what you did? 

To the Perfect Guy Bestfriend I accidentally left on the sidelines

I’m sorry.

When I heard of your passing, the words that came out of my mouth were, “Shit. Fuck.” Weren’t those words your most favorite expressions? You were the one who taught me to cuss, and I was the one who asked you to control it. But, shit, why? Why did you do it? 

I know I was the one who didn’t make the effort. I know I may be one of the people who made you feel like you are alone to conquer those battles that were thrown at your disposal. I never really asked to meet with you. Now, I wonder why I never did. Shit.

You opened my eyes to the reality that not all family is happy, that not all life is perfect, but weren’t you the one boosting me up when I felt discouraged with all the pressures we have to face in our early teenage years? And fuck me, because I never returned the favor.

It’s been years since I last saw you but it still crushed me to death when I learned that I will never be able to see you again. Why? I know I shouldn’t ask, because I don’t have the right to, but, shit, why? Why did you leave?

I hope my apology will reach you, wherever you are now and whatever shit that happened that made you put your life in your own hands, please know that I loved you. I suck with communication and putting efforts where I should, but I do. 

You made my highschool life tolerable and funny. You were the friend I didn’t ask for but never really appreciated enough.

Goodbye, old friend. 

See you in the next adventure.

PS. You will forever be an apology I will never intend to be forgiven for.

Addendum. You didn’t even wait for the reunion. But what the fuck, who doesn’t get tired of waiting, right?

Not again.

There are things in this world that we have no control over, and we need to accept that. The world is not build on your whims and people do not exist based on your discretions. Sometimes, we are put into situations where we need to learn lessons we don’t want to know, or accept things we don’t want to happen, or worse, let go of people we thought we can’t live without. 

Still, you find yourself repeating questions after questions and still, you never find any satisfying answers.

You were given seemingly endless years, inifinite moments, a gazillion memories with one person who promised forever, so what are you supposed to do when you finally reached your crossroads and you have to go the other way? 

How are you supposed to feel? 

Sad? 

Happy? 

Proud? 

Grateful? That at least, somehow, you’ve spent all your infinities and it was worth it?

Or maybe, hurt?

Because at the end of the day, despite the storms you’ve conquered together, it was not enough?

Are we really meant to repeat goodbyes after goodbyes for the sake of growing?

How many goodbyes are you supposed to hear before you can get used to the fading footsteps?

One person once said that, maybe, sometimes, the hardest part is not letting go, rather, it’s learning to start over. 

Why the hell would it not be?

Because how are you supposed to just throw away everything you’ve invested your life in and start from scratch. Again. Where do all those memories go? Where does love? Where does trust? And where will you?

I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know. 

But, honey, trust me, goodbyes will always be an inevitable part of our lives. And you can either accept that or repeat your questions to every stranger you meet and find yourself alone in the dark room.

I know it’s hard to believe, but, sometimes, goodbyes can be good, too. Letting go can be relieving and starting over, refreshing. You just have to focus on the good of goodbye and not last syllable of that wretched compound word.

Altschmerz all over AGAIN

If everytime you hear the harsh sound of your alarm in the morning, you feel your heart quicken as your brain snap out of its blissful trance from last night’s dream and begin to think of plausible excuses as to why you cannot make it work, but you groan inside as you stood up and make your way to the bathroom anyway, is it a good enough excuse to leave a job that seems secure and enough to pay the bills?

If you go through the day while daydreaming about another place every single second, if it is not happiness or fullfilment you feel every after the day ends, instead you feel rather relief or emptiness, would it be considered brave for running away from something that makes you catatonic?

If everytime you imagine another year of doing the same things, having endless unpredictable days, your legs weaken, your eyes start to fill up with tears, and you feel your anxiety growing inside you, again,  are you being mature if  you believe in your heart that a hazy future is better than the endless cycle days?

I am asking because I have no idea when the right time to let your feelings rule over reason is. I am asking because I do not trust that my brain is mature enough to come up with a practical solution to heart that has already forgotten what it beats for. I am asking because the future looks scarier than they’ve ever been before.