I know you love me and I know no matter how many times I fail or make mistakes in my life, you’ll always love me. I know that and I am entirely grateful for it but I also know this. The minute news about me reached your ears your reaction was unlike the reactions you made when you heard news about the other two that came before me. The only difference about me and those other two is that I wasn’t planned. And somehow, that alone seemed enough.
The moment I arrived, your eyes was filled with joy but laced with anxiety. You were grateful but then you were regretful too. You started this life barely ready. One of you needed a career change and the other one is supporting the other for that, you made it work with two mouths to feed but adding another one is already stretching it beyond what you can afford. The moment I start to open my eyes, I was met with two pairs of anxious and confused eyes and that’s when the truth about my birth is permanently imprinted in my brain. That it was a mistake. An accident. Something that was never meant to happen, but did anyway. And without even knowing it, I started to live my life as one. One big irrevocable mistake. But I wouldn’t blame. I couldn’t. Why would I? You did everything in your power to raise me well. You provided me shelter, food, clothes and even education. But above all, you gave the only thing you can ever afford to give generously and yet the most priceless thing anyone in this world could ever have. You gave me love. And I love you. I love you more than I love anybody else I just have a weird, passive-aggressive way to show it. So whatever shit I’ve put my life in, it will be all on me and me alone. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry because despite how hard you try to shape me into something our society would accept, I always veer into the wrong. And that makes you worried, anxious, embarrassed, guilty and all the other feelings a child is never supposed to make her parents feel.
I started wrong in this world, optimists say I don’t have to end it the same way, that I’ll be stupid and lazy if I don’t do anything to change it. I’m sure you’d say that too. And maybe they’re right. I am stupid and lazy. But I’m just tired, really tired of trying to find out what I really want and what I’m supposed to be in this world. I focused my life in doing just that, I failed to learn other important things like forming relationships, reaching out, making big dreams and getting a life. Maybe I wasn’t a gift after all. Maybe I was your curse and was never supposed to last long in the world that doesn’t deserve her.