1. You hate the sun. You hate anything bright. Literally. You cringe every time sunlight touches your skin and when your eyes get blinded by the light you will have this urgent need to scream your head off but if you’re lucky, you can keep your mouth shut tight.
  2. Anywhere or anything your eyes might chance upon would be a living testimony as to why you’re better off dead.
  3. You feel like there’s no point in going through your life because you have this overwhelming feeling that you are gonna kill yourself anyway.
  4. You have words in your head that you really want to express and when you do, it comes out something that resembles strongly of death and darkness, both in your writings and drawings.
  5. You feel stagnant and a failure all the time.
  6. You want to sleep all the time. If only you could, or circumstances would allow it, you could go on for hours, days, weeks just sleeping.
  7. Everytime you wake up in the morning, you feel a great disappointment in your heart that somehow despite the nightmares, you’re traitorous body have managed to keep itself alive.
  8. YOU DON’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION OR AT ALL. Answers to questions are curt and abrupt and you don’t like to keep the conversation going. You don’t ask questions and you certainly don’t open discussions.
  9. But if you do start talking about it, you could go on for hours just trying to describe and make them understand what’s really going on inside your head if they only let you.
  10. You can’t look at a knife, or scissors, or any sharp objects, even a pencil without thinking of ways to use it to make yourself bleed.
  11. You smile at people when they’re looking at you but when they turn their heads away, your face would inevitably turn stoic or form a frown.
  12. You find yourself crying all the damn time. In your room, in the bathroom, in your kitchen, even while walking outside, an overwhelming ache would creep to your chest and you would feel tears flowing down your eyes and you don’t even have any idea why.
  13. You don’t like to eat but when you do, you’d find it hard to stop eating. It’s not like you binge eat, you really don’t have the appetite but when you get stuck in a situation where you can’t avoid eating, you find your hands reaching for more food even if your stomach begins to ache.
  14. You start to dispose of any evidence or remnants of your existence. You burn diaries, journals, pictures. Sometimes, you’d even want to keep burning things because you find fire very beautiful and calming.
  15. You hate group discussions especially the ones that need you to air out some of your feelings because (see no. 8) and you hate every time it happens. Because you feel like, while you’re sitting there, talking and trying to keep your eyes dry, the people around have already formed judgements against you.
  16. You lack empathy. Or sometimes you overflow with one.
  17. You can’t think straight. Every time you try to think of other things that actually matter, your thoughts would always veer you away into the darkest depths even before you realise what is happening.
  18. You stop going out to hang out with your friends. Although all you really want is to talk to them, something would always stop you from pushing through your plans. When you think about going to crowded places you would feel weakness all over your body and your heart would suddenly beat faster.
  19. You become rotten to people around you especially those who are really close to your heart.
  20. You hate everything. You hate people. You hate yourself. You hate your skin and all you really want to do is run away. And that makes you hate LIFE too.

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