How many times do I have to teach myself to let it go? Feelings that do not serve you should have no more space in your heart, they said. Unrequited feeling of affection needs to be ignored, not nurtured. How many times shall I suffer the confusing push and pull of wanting to take risks and needing to stay on the normal curve? I’ve romanticized heartbreak for as long as I can remember claiming that it’s the one thing I can survive from. But how is that even possible when I can barely survive the little heartaches of everyday? They said honesty is beautiful, but where is beauty in destruction?

Love. I’ve claimed again and again that it doesn’t bother me, but why do I keep feeling weird in my stomach when they mention your name? I wanted to scream at them to stop, because each letter of your name gives me pinpricks in my heart everytime it rolled off their tongue?

Love. I thought I’ve found the perfect recipe for immunity but why do I keep getting infected by it? I’ve rebuilt and rebuilt my heart out of stones and cements but why can it still seep through the cracks?

I don’t want to have to tell you what it feels like when I look at you but can’t even hold you properly because I know you’re never gonna be mine. I’ve survived supressing it once but I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna survive it again. My bones are not that strong.

Love. The last time I denied it, I destroyed people. I put them in a place where I know they will rot. And they eventually did. But you, you are a flower I never want to wilt. But how do I stop myself from picking you from the ground when all I want to do is lift you high so you can see how the world bows for you.

I should learn how to throw away feelings that doesn’t need a space in my heart. I feel like I’ve hoarded way too many useless things. But tell me, where do I throw these unwanted feelings?

Better yet, tell me, where do I find love that bounces? Where do I find truths that beautifies everything? Where do I find a happy ending where a heart loves the heart that loves her without any inhibitions and guilt?

Insomniac Muser


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