He approached me with clouds in his eyes and secrets sliding down his sleeves, right into its folds
I’ve reminded myself countless times to never involve myself with someone who looks at stars the way I do
Like long lost forgotten childhood memories by people who grew up too fast
People like us comprise too much of closed doors and too-tall walls that reach the sky
But he was a waterfall and I’ve always been enchanted with anything freshwater
On the following days, we engrossed ourselves with talks about life, mine and his
I was surprised to find out he was also a prisoner of words stuck in the pages of a paperback
I didn’t realize it then but I had boarded a plane I had no ticket for and had absolutely no idea where it was going
But I stayed seated on my seat with my seatbelt unbuckled then there was a turbulence and he told me he’s ready to jump if I was willing
I thought I was, I really did, but I stopped, midway and stared at the vast ocean below.
I was reminded that I have always been afraid of heights
It had felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, I almost jumped but I waited too long
The fear started to creep their way into my legs, paralyzing me on the steep slope so I started to fall anyway
But it was the kind of fall I was not ready for so I started to flail as soon as I tasted saltwater
And when I looked up, he was there wearing a parachute and floating
I didn’t realize when he said jump, he really mean fly and I took it as falling
I shouted his name and waved my hand for his attention
But it was too late as the winds started changing direction
He landed on solid soil, leaving me drenched and salty
This is why I’ve always hated saltwater, it reminded me of tears, sticky sweat, and now, added up with little traces of him
Here’s the thing. Right now, you’re on the boat I’ve wanted to sail through the vast seas with but will never go around to really riding it. I keep telling myself you being there is okay. But whilst convincing, I kept the boat on the port holding on to the rope keeping you at bay. Then the currents started pulling you away and I let them for a little while because I am confident of the strength of the rope that still connects us together. But just as I was about to pull you back in, the currents got stronger so while I was pulling in, it was pulling out. The rope starts slipping in my hands and it took every ounce of me to hold it together, to get you from going away. The sad thing is, but most probably for the best, you just look at me, with those deep gray eyes that are masked with panic and nervousness that says you don’t want to be let go but at the same time, is telling me you are unwilling to jump and swim back even if we both know how good of a swimmer you are. You just watch me as I’m forced to let the last end of the rope go, totally losing our connection. You risk a glance forward and that was the last time I ever saw your face because you didn’t ever look back again. And me? I’m still stuck at the port just watching you because I never really learned how to swim.
I find you in the lyrics of the songs I listen to each night. When the sun has set and the lights are turned off, you are the tears that flow freely out of my eyes. My demons have morphed their voices into yours and their words harsher than they’ve ever been before. When you walked into my life, literally bumping me on your way in, I never thought you would be the reason why I would finally understand why hurricanes are named after people. You left a great devastation at your wake but you didn’t care enough to look back and see how much you’ve brought to ruins. You scattered the little pieces of me with your strong winds to far off places that it’s almost impossible for me to put them back together and doing so would only cost more than what I can afford.
I know you love me and I know no matter how many times I fail or make mistakes in my life, you’ll always love me. I know that and I am entirely grateful for it but I also know this. The minute news about me reached your ears your reaction was unlike the reactions you made when you heard news about the other two that came before me. The only difference about me and those other two is that I wasn’t planned. And somehow, that alone seemed enough.
The moment I arrived, your eyes was filled with joy but laced with anxiety. You were grateful but then you were regretful too. You started this life barely ready. One of you needed a career change and the other one is supporting the other for that, you made it work with two mouths to feed but adding another one is already stretching it beyond what you can afford. The moment I start to open my eyes, I was met with two pairs of anxious and confused eyes and that’s when the truth about my birth is permanently imprinted in my brain. That it was a mistake. An accident. Something that was never meant to happen, but did anyway. And without even knowing it, I started to live my life as one. One big irrevocable mistake. But I wouldn’t blame. I couldn’t. Why would I? You did everything in your power to raise me well. You provided me shelter, food, clothes and even education. But above all, you gave the only thing you can ever afford to give generously and yet the most priceless thing anyone in this world could ever have. You gave me love. And I love you. I love you more than I love anybody else I just have a weird, passive-aggressive way to show it. So whatever shit I’ve put my life in, it will be all on me and me alone. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry because despite how hard you try to shape me into something our society would accept, I always veer into the wrong. And that makes you worried, anxious, embarrassed, guilty and all the other feelings a child is never supposed to make her parents feel.
I started wrong in this world, optimists say I don’t have to end it the same way, that I’ll be stupid and lazy if I don’t do anything to change it. I’m sure you’d say that too. And maybe they’re right. I am stupid and lazy. But I’m just tired, really tired of trying to find out what I really want and what I’m supposed to be in this world. I focused my life in doing just that, I failed to learn other important things like forming relationships, reaching out, making big dreams and getting a life. Maybe I wasn’t a gift after all. Maybe I was your curse and was never supposed to last long in the world that doesn’t deserve her.
I’m sorry if you have found yourself a friend who has so many fears. Someone who locks her doors refusing to let anyone inside, who doesn’t know a thing about being an adventurer outside the pages of her books, and who’s too afraid to venture out of what everybody considers normal.
I understand if you want to leave me. I will lose one of the very few people I give my trust to and most probably it will hurt like hell but if staying friends with me will stunt your growth as a person, then I’d rather you leave and become a “somebody” out there. I’d rather you leave early before we become rotten to each other and our happy memories reduced to nothing but hurtful reminders of what we had before one of us started to change.
For all those times you spent with me, in both my worst and best, thank you. Thank you for staying for quite a while in my life. I will still consider you as an important person in my life, still miss you from time to time but now you will just be a part of my life that was.